Do you want to be a true BYU fan?
Fantastic. Because I am one, and I'd love to tell you how to become one. I may be the perfect fan, in fact. I've perfected the craft and put in all the work it takes to be a true fan. Therefore, I write to you with authority on the subject.
The first thing you must master is your hatred of that Team Up North. We have with them what is called a rivalry, you see. Rivalry is derived from the Latin "rivalus," meaning "pure hatred devoid of logic and human decency." I heard you ask a question, can you repeat it? No, no, you can't at any time root for them. They must lose always and you must hate them. Why? Tha hell kind of question is that? Because they are a rival. DUH!
Because you can turn Ute into "yewt." Get it? Their color is red. RED, I tell you. Why WOULDN'T you hate beer-drinking, wife-beater-wearing, illiterate heathen atheists? Those little brother wannabes who have spent the last 28 years trying to live up to the BYU standard?
//enters block into NetNanny for all references to "2004 college football" and "2008 college football"\\
You want this, don't you? The hate is swelling in you now. Take your hate. Use it. Strike down all yewt neighbors with dogmatic stereotyping and message board proficiency. Give into your anger. It is unavoidable. It is your destiny. There are no limits to the indecent, belligerent hate you can spew. Any degree is tolerated. There's even a special place in the Church handbook of instructions that dismisses your actions. It reads, "Any word, action, or deed undertaken while performing the duties of a sports fan during a rivalry are exempt from judgment, both from God and from the Church. Like the Lord taught: Hate away, brother!"
If you don't hate that other team (gosh, I can't even bear to say their name), you aren't a true fan. Everything about being a BYU fan means hating them as much or more as you root for the Cougars.
Another requirement to be a true fan like me is ...
(Choose ONLY One)
(Alternative 1) that you never, ever criticize coaches, players, or administrators, even in the healthiest, most rational of ways. They are our brothers, fighting and working toward glory for our beloved white and blue. The coaches are inspired and called from above to be where they are. Each play-call distills upon the minds of the responsible coaches like the dews from heaven -- it's up to the players whether or not they can carry out the Lord's will with each play. If they don't, it's still okay. We're all fallible. These men need our unconditional support, and under no circumstance should you react negatively to anything they do.
(Alternative 2) that you maintain a perpetually high level of criticism for players, coaches, and administrators. I personally don't have time to enjoy the beauty of the sport when WHAT THE HELL IS BRANDON DOMAN DOING? At no time can you enjoy the games because MATT CARLINO MAKES ME SO MAD! WHY ARE WE THROWING ON FIRST DOWN? TOM HOLMOE IS RUINING BYU ATHLETICS BECAUSE WE AREN'T IN THE BIG 12 YET! / BECAUSE NOVEMBER SCHEDULES ARE POOR WHILE WE GET OUR INDEPENDENT FEET. IF YOU DON'T GET BYU IN THE BIG 12 I'M NEVER DONATING MY USUAL $10 DONATION AGAIN. YOU CAN RUN TELL THAT TO PRESIDENT SAMUELSON, HOME BOY. The 50 tackles I posted as a senior linebacker at Payson High School mean that I KNOW GOOD FOOTBALL AND THIS ISN'T IT. Every loss should eat at you like your grandfather died. If it doesn't, you aren't a true fan, buddy. A loss should carry with you until the day of the next game. Your week is ruined when BYU loses. Blow away your wife and kids with venom or drag them down with your moping. They only live to support you in your BYU fanhood. You live and die with every snap, and if the outcome isn't positive, SOMEBODY'S HEAD MUST ROLL, DAMMIT. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. I AM NEVER BUYING TICKETS AGAIN. BRONCO WILL NEVER GET ANYWHERE WITH THIS ‘FOOTBALL IS FIFTH' CRAP. Anything the opponent does, does not matter. It's not like the other team is trying to win and are capable of making good plays or anything.
Unbridled criticism of referees is definitely required to be a true fan like me. The requirement here is simple: Any call that goes against BYU is terrible, and any admission of a correct call against BYU means you are actually a Ute at heart. Cody Hoffman drops a pass? PASS INTERFERENCE. Every. Time. When the video board replay shows a great play by the defender, boo even louder. No team can pass protect this well against our front seven, they must be holding on every play. WCC officials are in to get BYU for being new to the conference. No foul against BYU is correct, the refs just must not have actually played the game to understand what happened. Oh good, the conference commissioner is on Twitter! A true fan will tweet at him after every bad call. It is your duty. You're a true fan, aren't you?
If I ever get into a tiff with a so-called fellow BYU fan, I have my fan resume on instant recall. Part of being a true fan is being able to prove you are a true fan, or at least more of a true fan than the next guy. You can resort to out-fanning other fans when your arguments about other things (like when people aren't being true fans as outlined herein) aren't working. Possible items to include on your true fan resume are:
- Number of years you've had season tickets
- Number of road games attended
- Current and former players you know
- Number of times you've been restrained by event staff/asked by your wife to leave the house
- Your Board Rating on Cougarboard
Make sure you call upon your fan resume early and often. If someone has called your fanhood into question before you've hit on your resume items, you are too late.
Don't not-true fans just totally torque you, bro? The final part of being a true fan is telling other fans how to be true fans. You cannot rest until you purge (or at least put off) half-arse fans, fair-weather fans, casual fans, or any fan that doesn't root for BYU the exact way you do. No room for any of them on the bandwagon. You live and die with BYU sports and comply with these rules of being a true BYU fan, or you go play intramurals brother.