I do not frequent CougarBoard. I do not have a problem with the site. I have heard horror stories, yet some of my favorite Cougar fans post on that site. Like any message board, I am sure it has its good and bad.
An acquaintance sent me the following screenshot. Enter dmitch44
I am fluent in both Troll and Zoob, and I cannot for the life of me authenticate which one of these dialects best describes this post. It is so over-the-top that my first thought was this has to be some kind of joke. But there are bits and pieces of evidence that point to this being a piece of pure Zion Curtain persona never to be duplicated. Let's break this down.
To begin, what apostle even has kids of dating age? Bednar? Cook? Christoffersen? I refuse go to TMZ but I am willing to cross Packer off the list.
"Play the spiritual card?": I would assume this refers to the recently renewed temple recommend of a newly-returned Elder. But the sheer immaturity of the phrase makes me think my man dmitch has just ordained a Priest. I see where his strategy lies: This is an Apostle's daughter -- she will not accept me as anything but a teenage version of Jeffrey R. Holland. The fact that he needs to "play" the spiritual card reveals that if dmitch were to ever actually meet and shake hands with said Apostle Dad, his soul would disclose this truth and dmitch's dreams of marrying into a Celestial certainty would be shattered. This may very well be a Zoob.
"Go to the temple grounds and talk about eternal marriage and goals." You cannot have a better perspective than this. The timing, however, leaves room to be desired. This cannot be real. The stories of BYU dude informing BYU coed that the Spirit had confirmed their future marriage are simply a myth, right? Right? Then, I remember the few times I walked through the campus of Brigham Young University for non-football purposes and it dons on me that this might actually be a serious post from a kid named Alma J. Christensen from Spanish Fork, Utah. This might be a Zoob.
"Play the I'm fun and different card": If dmitch is real, he believes the dating tactics outlined above are normal. This has to be a Troll.
"Make finger foods, write her a song, paint her a picture, and tango or two step through downtown."
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This has to be a Troll.
"I thought of playing the cougar card and getting take out and watching all the highlights of the Cougars rippin the Utes." See, this is where he reels me back in! The innate innocence, ridiculousness, and social awkwardness of this phrase must make him a real person. It would take a truly talented novelist to come up with such a perfect phrase. It encapsulates the very essence of the Provo bubble. When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. This is a Zoob.
"Thoughts? Or any other ideas?" If I ever had a date with an Apostle's daughter, I'd show up to the door with these moves.
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One of the great trolls of all-time or a Zoob for the ages? You decide.