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7 ways Wagner can beat BYU on Saturday

Hold on. That headline isn't right. It's mathematically impossible for Wagner to beat BYU. This must be a mistake.

Jeff Swinger-USA TODAY Sports

Wait, why are you here?

There is no possible way that you, the proficient reader of internet things, thought to yourself, "I should probably read up on the reasons why BYU could lose their game this Saturday against Wagner."

You didn't think that because there is no chance that Wagner will even come close to competing in this game. All due respect to the fine educational institution that is Wagner College, but their football team is virtually non-existent. Wagner's football program has already lost to Rice 56-16, and Rice lost to Western Kentucky 49-10. To put this lightly, Staten Island, the NYC borough where Wagner College is located, is the perfect metaphor for the football team BYU will be playing on Saturday. If you don't understand this metaphor, ask anyone who has ever lived in or around New York City and they will gladly explain the virtues of Staten Island.

At any rate, all you need to know about Wagner football is, well, nothing. But since you're already here, we might as well go down this rabbit hole together.

Technically there are seven things that Wagner could do to win on Saturday night. I should warn you, before you think that I'm going to jump into some serious football discussion, that none of these seven things have to do with football.

  1. Wagner could devise a plan in which they take on the collective identity of the Big 12 conference and all of their governing body. Starting tomorrow, members of the Wagner athletic department will detain Big 12 commissioner Bob Bowlsby and his cronies and assume their identities. They will then reach out to Tom Holmoe and Bronco Mendenhall stating their strong desire for BYU to join their conference. HOWEVER, there is one stipulation: In order for BYU to prove their dedication, they would need to lose their game against Wagner. Knowing how much a P5 conference affiliation would mean for the program and to the fan base, Tom could have Bronco throw the game, only to find out later that it was scam put it place by Wagner in order to win the game.
  2. Back when I was in the 5th grade, my football team was scheduled to play against the Gorillas, who happened to be the best football team in Denver metro area. Our coach told us that it was going to be a tough game but we could win if we executed a plan that would hinge on a small technicality. Our coach explained to us that the home team was required to bring the down and distance chains to each game. If they failed to do so, the home team would have to automatically forfeit. The plan was to steal the chains from the Gorillas and hide them in a port-o-potty. The plan was never executed and we lost the game 55-0. Assuming the rules are the same for pee wee football in Colorado in 1997 as they are in college football in 2015, Wagner could simply steal every set of chains in all of Utah Valley, which would in turn give them the victory.
  3. Apparently everyone, and I mean everyone, in Utah Valley is addicted to these fancy diabetes bars also known as Swig and Sodalicious. Since the owners of these establishments clearly don't give a rat's backside about the general health and well-being of their consumers, they'd be totally on board if Wagner paid them a ton of money to poison their beverages with a strain of the flu that would spread to every student on BYU's campus, including the football team. With the football team completely annihilated by the flu, and with only five players able to suit up, Wagner would win by default.
  4. Speaking of disease, Wagner could somehow start the zombie apocalypse during the game, which would give them a huge advantage because instead of practicing football for the last five years, everyone at Wagner has been going through intense zombie attack training. Their whole team will stay alive and eventually beat a mostly dead BYU team.
  5. In what would have to be the most elaborate clock-related hoax of all time, Wagner could deploy every single one of its graduates to infiltrate the state of Utah and set back every single clock six hours. And i'm not talking just watches. They would have to run the full gambit. Microwave clocks. Computer clocks. Clocks in the cars of dashboards. But what about the time displayed on every cell phone? Well, it's a good thing Wagner has a deep connection to every single cell phone carrier in the western half of the United States, allowing them to remotely program every single phone in the state. Heck, they would even have to chloroform the guys who operate the bell tower so no one would get any ideas. The only clocks they would keep on schedule would be those seen by the referees officiating the game. When they show up to the field at noon and only Wagner football players are there, the officials will have to deem it a forfeit, giving Wagner the victory.
  6. Wagner could fire all of their professors and use that money to pay for the New York Jets to play this game for them. The Jets are much better at football than BYU and would probably win the game. This plan is faulty in that 1) Wagner College would probably cease to exist after this game, and 2) I'm not sure anyone on the Jets still has NCAA eligibility.
  7. They can challenge BYU to a game of rock, paper, scissors. In the title of this article I didn't specify that Wager would necessarily beat BYU at football. I just said they would beat BYU. Technically, Wagner could win the coin toss and this would hold true.

But seriously there is literally nothing else Wagner can do to beat BYU in football.

The end.

But seriously, you can leave now. Nothing else to see here.