DEAD-SEASON SERIES: How BYU athletes should spend that extra Cost of Attendance money

Despite the fact that we are in the thick of the Dead Season (and that we started this whole series because the majority of the news that breaks this year is about as significant as Kim Kardashian using words to form sentences), there was some pretty big news announced earlier this week that will greatly affect BYU athletes.

NO WE ARE NOT GOING TO JOIN A CONFERENCE. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. GO BACK TO COUGARBOARD AND STOP TRYING TO MAKE CONFERENCES HAPPEN.

The news to which I refer is where BYU is positioned with its Cost of Attendance (COA) stipends, which the NCAA allows schools to dole out to athletes starting Aug. 1. As VTF has discussed, we learned via the Salt Lake Tribune that BYU is preparing to pay $4,500 per scholarship in COA stipends, which ranks 10th nationally among known figures in Power 5 conferences, according to the Chronicle of Higher Education. For BYU, this is expected to apply to all athletic scholarships across all sports.

According to the Chronicle, the $4,500 BYU will pay its athletes is approximately $1,000 more than what the University of Utah is going to provide. This is a lovely arrangement because for the first time, BYU fans can back off of the unsubstantiated "come to BYU and you'll make more money than if you go to Utah" and instead adopt the factual argument of "come to BYU and WE WILL PAY YOU MORE MONEY than if you go to Utah." What a fun new development!

This being the case, we felt the need to clearly explain to any incoming athlete how exactly he or she can spend the $1,000 difference given the choice to play sports at BYU instead of Utah. DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE PAC-12 STICKERS AND ASBESTOS IN THE LIBRARY, DEAR ATHLETES. THINK ABOUT HOW MANY POUNDS OF CINNAMON BEARS YOU CAN BUY.

With $1,000 of extra cash, BYU athletes can purchase the following items.

25 parties at Classic Skating

What's the oldest new hot spot for BYU athletes? Running back Jamaal Williams will tell you Classic Skating in Orem is THE place to be. For a slamming deal, you can get a party room for 2 hours at the Classic Fun Center for only $40! That means you can pretty much throw a fiesta EVERY OTHER WEEK FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR. At that point they will put your name on the wall and crown you Classic Skating Royalty.

#livetweet classic skating with my boys and my new bro Jamaal Williams pic.twitter.com/fU7vD6GSk0

— Brady W. Lindley (@BradyLindley) August 3, 2014

40 pairs of cargo shorts (for guys) or 80 Shade t-shirts (for girls) from the BYU Bookstore

Who's got the largest selection of awkward Mormon-wear? THE BYU BOOKSTORE DOES!

125 Rancheritos Burritos

It's funny because, well, you get it.

1 used jet ski for fun on Utah Lake

Do you know anyone else in college that has their OWN JET SKI THAT DOESN'T BELONG TO THEIR PARENTS? Didn't think so. Sure, this won't be useful seven months out of the year, but most athletes are too busy playing their sport during the school year that they won't have time to use it. They will, however, have plenty of time to talk about it and nothing says cool like someone who talks about having a jet ski.

1 Apple MacBook Air 11" 8GB

I'm not saying that if you go to a Pac-12 school that you will steal computers, but I will say if you come to BYU you won't have to steal a computer — or create a GoFundMe — because you will be able to buy it with the extra cash.

15 suits, 24 dress shirts, 7 pairs of shoes, 33 neckties and 87 polo shirts from Joseph A. Bank

But wait, if you buy any of those items during their "WE BUILT A FACTORY IN THAILAND FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF THIS SALE" sale then you can get free slacks and shoe horns for life. Those football players have all those dang firesides so they'll need to look nice. This should cover it.

222 Cougar Tails

While recent studies have yet to confirm how many BYU fans will die of diabetes as a direct result of the Cougar Tail, with an extra $1,000 these athletes can add themselves to that total. Or the athletes can buy a bunch for the students and they will be loved forever, because free stuff is how you win the admiration of any BYU fan.

28 parking tickets from BYU or University Parking

Trying to find a parking spot on a college campus has and always will be the gosh dang worst, particularly for those who reside in Provo because of University Parking and their predatory business practices. Instead of wasting their time bouncing around multiple parking lots, our athletes will be able to blast "IDFWU" by Big Sean as they ride past the parking attendants into the faculty lots. We can't promise absolute power but having 28 free parking passes is the next best thing.

A lot of wedding stuff?

I've never been married, but apparently a lot of BYU students participate in said activity, including athletes. I'm pretty sure weddings and all the business around them cost money. Like a marriage license, that's probably a few hundred dollars, right? And wedding invitations are in the $50 range, I think. Maybe more? Whatever it costs, $1,000 will help pay for a wedding.

45 pairs of Nike Dri-FIT Cushion Crew Training Socks

If you do the math, one grand can get you a lot of free socks. Well, they're not free socks because they're being purchased...with money...at a store...by someone who is not a BYU coach. That and there's a saying, right? "There is no such thing as free socks." I should probably stop saying free socks in an article about BYU before the NC...yeah I've already said too much.

30 lunches for Frank Jackson

Once an athlete is at BYU, he or she can use that money to help convince other athletes come to...wait, what? I know, but it's not a booster paying for Frank Jackson's Cafe Rio tostada, it's a poor student. It's still not allowed? What if the athlete just bought five large Brick Oven pizzas and happened to share a few slices with the Lone Peak basketball team? Still no?

1 night of bottle service at the MGM Nightclub in Vegas

Too soon? Yeah, too soon.

Catch up on the rest of the Dead-Season Series.