clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

DEAD-SEASON SERIES: Reasons why Bryce Harper hates BYU

New, 2 comments

It's that magical time of year between the end of basketball season and the beginning of football season that we here at VTF are affectionately calling the Dead Season. Instead of writing more #hottakes on the importance of recruiting rankings, we are here to break down the most unimportant topics.

Brad Mills-USA TODAY Sports

In the event that you have been living under a rock for the past few days (or you limit your traditional and social media intake to outlets who actually provide relevant content), a fairly famous person confessed that they don't like BYU.

That fairly famous person is baseball phenom Bryce Harper and he didn't just say that he disliked BYU. He said that he hated BYU.

Ever since then BYU and Utah message boards have been set ablaze with all kind of fanatical speculation as to why Bryce Harper hates BYU. Twitter users were positive that it had to do with his disdain for the righteous nature of BYU students and fans. Others pulled Bryce's ex-girlfriend Kayla Varner into the mix.

Well it's a good thing we can put all of the speculation to bed because I have dedicated myself to this topic for the last three days and found out the exact reasons why Bryce Harper hates BYU.

Don't worry about fact checking any of these because they're all basically 100% true.

  • During a visit to campus Bryce accidentally ate at Tomassito's Italian Cafe at the Cougar Eat, the results of which contributed to his injury plagued 2014 season.
  • Bryce plays for the Washington Nationals, whose primary color is RED. You know, the same color that the University of Utah uses.
  • In 1992 the Harper family traveled to Provo to see The Beach Boys in concert at the Stadium of Fire but due to a ticketing snafu, his family was forced to listen to "God Only Knows" from the stadium parking lot. Bryce was still in his mother's womb at this point but to this day Sheri Harper blames the BYU ticketing office for denying Bryce the prenatal music experience he needed to blossom into a concert cellist.
  • Bryce was a huge fan of the 1994 San Diego Chargers and he never cried more tears in his entire life than when the Bolts were demolished by former BYU quarterback Steve Young in the Super Bowl.
  • He doesn't understand why people love those stupid chocolate covered cinnamon bears they sell at the BYU Bookstore.
  • When Bryce turned 16 he actually failed his drivers test due to a miscalculation during the parallel parking segment of the test. Having practiced parallel parking with his dad's Isuzu Trooper for weeks leading up to the test, Bryce blamed the fact that he didn't pass on the state mandated test car, which just so happened to have the letters B, Y and U in the license plate number.
  • He's really upset how the football staff treated Jake Heaps. In Bryce's professional opinion, BYU should have given Jake play calling duties ("just like Peyton Manning"), giving him a chance to build his own legacy.
  • Last offseason Bryce applied to BYU's world-famous accounting program but they denied him entry because they had already filled their quota for bro-tastic man boys.
  • Bryce's brother Bryan also doesn't like BYU. I have no idea why.
  • Bryce was actually a HUGE BYU basketball fan until the day Jonathan Tavernari and Steve Alford got into a verbal altercation. Ever since Steve's son Kory saved Bryce from a sinking house boat on Lake Powell, Bryce vowed supreme loyalty to the family and when Bryce saw Alford get into a verbal altercation with Tavernari after a game at the Marriott Center, he knew that his days of loving BYU basketball were over.
  • When Bryce was a young child he had an idea for a small business that would blow away neighborhood lemonade stands out of the water. His plan was to mix soda beverages with the syrup concentrate of other delicious beverages. Bryce developed a robust business plan to roll out his drive-thru drink stand called "Bryce's Bevs" but wasn't able to execute said plan until the offseason in 2013. By that time someone by the name of Nicole Tanner (who happens to be a huge BYU fan) had used the same concept and opened up a location called Swig. Today Swig is the single most popular drive-thru diabetes bar in the state of Utah. Bryce Harper has since vowed to hate every town (and everything in it) that constructed a Swig within their city limits. As of 2014, there is a Swig in Provo directly across from BYU's campus.
Catch up on the Dead-Season Series