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DEAD-SEASON SERIES: 5 major BYU things Taylor Swift can fix with a blog post

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It's that magical time of year between the end of basketball season and the beginning of football season that we here at VTF are affectionately calling the Dead Season. Since BYU doesn't have any NBA draft picks, we are here to break down the most unimportant topics.

BYU doesn't serve caffeine on campus?!?!
BYU doesn't serve caffeine on campus?!?!
Shirlaine Forrest/Getty Images

Earlier this week, Taylor Swift changed the direction of one of the world's biggest businesses with one blog post. Apple agreed to pay artists royalties for plays that happen for users within a free trial period of Apple Music after Swift's online appeal.

#KONY2012 might still be roaming free, but darn it, internet activism just scored a big point.

That got me thinking, Taylor Swift could be kind of an online mercenary brought in to fix your organization's most pressing issues. So what issues can T-Swizzy magically fix at BYU with the power of her keyboard? Vanquish The Foe has an exclusive look at some posts she is writing to BYU.

To BYU Food Services, Love Taylor

You can choose not to serve caffeine to your student body during the week, and that's your call even though caffeine is not against your church's health code. But if I can visit beautiful Temple Square and drink a Coke or Dr Pepper served within church-owned buildings and restaurants, why can't you serve it to fans attending your sporting events?

This isn't about me. Thankfully I am a free-thinking adult not under the auspices of BYU policy. This is about the visitors. It makes no sense for them to not be able to purchase a Coke when they visit LaVell Edwards Stadium to watch their team play BYU when their Mormon friends back home drink caffeinated sodas and tell them it isn't against their religion -- again, because it isn't.

And take it from me, someone who knows a little about running a successful business. You're leaving a bunch of revenue on the table by clinging to the notion that you're somehow holier by abstaining from the nectar that is Dr Pepper.

To the Honor Code Office, Love Taylor

This is tied closely to the lack of caffeine. No beards? Women having to wear shorts that reach the knee? Black athletes can't wear braids or dreads? For a place that serves to improve the inner vessel, it sure spends a lot of time policing the outer vessel. You don't need to add rules to what I understand is a beautiful gospel, according to those I know who are close to you. To my understanding, there's a religiously historic word for that. From your church's website:

pharisees

These are not the complaints of a spoiled, petulant child. These are the echoed sentiments of many faithful church members too afraid to speak up publicly because they respect your university so much.

To the Big 12, Love Taylor

Seriously, why is BYU not in your conference? Stadium/arena sizes, a decent national brand, and an athletic acumen that is one of the best in the nation across all sports. Since I learned you've been lying about monetary payouts relative to expansion and your TV contract, there's no reason big enough to keep you from adding BYU.

You need to get this done.

To Chris Hill, Love Taylor

So you have a rival equal to the likes of me and whoever I was writing about in Bad Blood, and you can directly compete against them in sports every year and you choose not to?

I guess you moved on to some big conference and feel super important about finishing fifth out of six teams in your division, but regional rivalries make college sports special, Doctor. Time to man up.

To Craig Thompson, Love Taylor

This isn't 1995 anymore, bro. Get a haircut. Love, Taylor.