Yesterday afternoon, it was announced that in the next basketball season, the Brigham Young University and the University of Utah will not be playing each other. It an act of cowardice, that shouldn't be all that surprising to those who have dealt with the Utah athletic department, men's basketball coach Larry Krystkowiak approached Chris Hill and seemingly begged him to remove the BYU game from the Ute's schedule.
What was the reason why Coach Krystkowiak wanted to avoid a game with BYU for the first time since World War II? Player safety, of course. After a heated rivalry game that featured a brainless punch from Nick Emery, Utah figured that the next meeting would escalate to a blood bath that would look less like a basketball game and more like the news team fight scene from Anchorman. In the eyes of Coach Krystkowiak and Chris Hill, basketball is a slippery slope and if you don't back out of a game with your longest standing rival, bad things are guaranteed to happen.
The announcement caused quite the uproar on social media on a day when Utah was supposed to be in the spotlight for a hire they made on their football staff. It's curious that in a moment where Utah clearly had the upper hand on it's rival school after victories in both football and basketball, and then poaching a member of the BYU coaching staff, Utah rejected their position of superiority and instead chose to sneak out the back door with their tail between their legs.
In the end Utah will end up paying BYU a cancelation fee of $80,000 for backing out of the contract. While it is up to Tom Holmoe and the rest of his department to determine what they will do with these funds, we have a few suggestions.
- They could shoot a commercial where Jackson Emery and Marshall Henderson are singing War's "Why can't we be friends" for 60 seconds. Based on current media rates for the Pac12 Network, they could run the spot for 470 consecutive hours to achieve the minimum CPM (cost per 1,000 impressions) spend. So basically the 7 people who watch that network will be driven to clinical insanity.
- They could pay the salary for someone on the football staff for one year, or as Kyle Whittingham would call it, the standard term of an offensive coordinator.
- BYU could give away CougarTails to the first 17,777 people who come to the game that will replace Utah on the schedule.
- Dave Rose could purchase this $80k violin and hand deliver it Chris Hill with a note saying, "The next time Larry comes to complain about something, which he undoubtedly will, you can favor him with some beautiful music from this lovely instrument, instead of playing the world smallest violin. Enjoy the sympathy strings."
- They could burn 70,000 copies of Larry K going banana nut crazy after the Emery punch and have that running on a loop for the space of the entire DVD.Then, everyday for the rest of his adult life, BYU could send him a copy of this DVD, but each copy will be disguised in a different Nicholas Sparks movie case. So every time Larry thinks he's getting a copy of The Last Song (his personal favorite) he'll be disappointed to see it's just another video of him acting like a child.
- They could buy Terry Nashif some new glasses.
- Tom Holmoe could pay to send someone on a trip to Europe so they can visit with Elder Mika in Rome and Elder Haws in France and record their live reactions to hearing that the game against Utah is going to be canceled over concerns of player safety. Something tells me their reactions will be somewhat like the following.
- BYU could fund the Brandon Taylor Achievement in Theatrical Performance Scholarship, which would be awarded to a student who excels in the art of acting. Inside the Harris Fine Arts Center, BYU could erect a statue of Taylor rolling around on the ground in pain with a placard saying, "To honor the finest acting job in the presence of BYU students. Bravo, Brandon."
- They could give $80,000 in political campaign donations to politicians who will cut back on Utah's appropriations.
- Drones, a lot of them. You can never have too many in times like these.
- In order to help protect student athletes in the state of Utah, BYU could hire an undercover operative who could monitor the Utah athletic department to make sure that their coaches aren't psychologically manipulating the athletes or beating up their assistant coaches outside of bars. You know, because college athletics is about creative a safe place for the kids.
- They could hire Frankie Goes to Hollywood to play a live set on Larry K's front lawn but the only song they will play is "Relax", played 45 consecutive times.
- They could give Guy Holliday a big enough bonus to come back. That'd be pretty funny.