DEAD-SEASON SERIES: What BYU will do with Provo High School?

The demons on Utah local news teased the entire fan base earlier this week when they broke a huge story that had to do with BYU and expansion. Since we're just in the first few weeks of the dead season, we figured it was high time for the Big12 to welcome BYU into the fold.

As it turns out BYU will be doing the expanding, not the Big12...as far as we know.

It was announced on Tuesday that BYU will be dropping a cool $25 million to purchase the Provo High School and the 25 acres that it sits on, which is conveniently located across from BYU campus along University Ave. The school district is building a new high school over on the other side of town (which won't be completed for another couple of years) and once that is finished BYU will be able to do whatever their heart desires with said land.

University spokeswoman Carri Jenkens has denied that the school has any current plans for the property but we have a pretty good idea of what is on their list of possibilities.

So what exactly will BYU do with Provo High School? Let's take a look.

• Ever since the Cougars made the move to the West Coast Conference, the men's and women's basketball teams have been at an extreme disadvantage no thanks to the Marriott Center. While the area does provide a great basketball environment for the home games, whenever BYU goes on the road to face any of their WCC foes they have to make the adjustment to playing in a gym the size of, well, a high school. In order to help with this transition, BYU will use the gymnasium at Provo High School for all of their practices and conference home games. The change should not only help the Cougars adjust to shooting on the road but it will undoubtedly fix their sloppy three point defense because having non-athletic guys that can only shoot definitely isn't the problem.

• Speaking of athletic facilities, it's high time that the school builds a state-of-the-art facility for the most prolific program in all of BYU history. No, I'm not talking about a new football stadium, volleyball facility or even a rugby venue. I'm talking about the best dance hall in all the land for our beloved Cougarettes. Those ladies have done nothing but win national championships and it's only appropriate that BYU builds a massive dance specific building that can serve their every need. I'm not going to wax poetic about how majestic this building will be mostly because I have no idea what makes a great dance studio (really nice floors? mirrors?) but just trust me when I say that it will be huge and it will be magnificent and the University of Utah is going to pay for it!

• For as long as I can remember multi-level marketing schemes and summer sales outfits have used Provo's oldest (and sorriest) pizza establishment, Brick Oven Pizza, to try and lure away BYU's finest to get them to buy into whatever garbage business operation they are running. The administration has noticed the uptick in overall "bro-ness" on campus and has been able to directly link this trend to said phony businesses. So in order to remedy this BYU is going to buy out the current Brick Oven Pizza (which is conveniently located on the southwest corner of campus) so they can "build more tennis courts". They will then offer up a large parcel of land on the old Provo High School campus to Brick Oven so they can build the biggest, blandest pizza parlor in all the land. With University Ave acting as a barrier, BYU students will be less likely to fall prey to an offer from those pest control companies. While this plan might not be 100% effective, because BYU students will do just about anything for free food, it should still deter a few from a life of selling magical fruit berries from the tropics that make your feet smell better.

• Ever since Dr. Chris Hill and the University of Utah canceled their basketball series with BYU due do "safety issues", Tom Holmoe and the rest of the athletic department have been trying to think of ways to get Utah to agree to future basketball games. Their latest idea would be to use the land on which Provo High School sits to build a maximum security basketball facility specifically for Utah basketball games. The basketball arena will only sit 4,000 people and all attendees will need to pass an NSA conducted background check. Anyone with a history of violent crime, verbal aggression or throwing punches that hit people in the shoulder but somehow impacts the face will not be allowed inside. In addition to the padded walls and individual seat belts that every fan will need to wear throughout the duration of the game, there will be deafening levels of white noise pumped throughout the gym in case someone says something mean to another player. Thanks to the white noise, no player or coach will be able to hear whatever upsetting that was said and everyone will be able to enjoy a game of basketball in peace and quiet.

• Think about the last time you went to visit BYU's lovely campus. You probably remember seeing the beautiful mountain backdrop, the lush gardens that are always in perfect condition and a group of students dressed up in medieval costume doing some kind of sword fighting or live action role playing. I honestly can't remember a time going to BYU and NOT seeing this very scene. Not that there is anything wrong with these adults dressing up in costumes, pretending to be from another century, it just might be better for them to do their thing in say, an abandoned high school? This would be mutually beneficial because it would give these medieval times lovers the space they need to really get into their craft and those students who give tours to campus guests on those golf carts would save time having to explain why people are dancing around the quad in cloaks.