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DEAD-SEASON SERIES: Forget the Big 12, BYU has other options

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It's that magical time of year between the end of basketball season and the beginning of football season that we here at VTF are affectionately calling the Dead Season. Instead of writing about Tanner Mangum's off-season running regimen, we are here to break down the most unimportant (and generally nonsensical) topics.

Butch Dill-USA TODAY Sports

For the last two weeks, Big 12 expansion has dominated the BYU sports new cycle.

With the ever-changing college football landscape and the formation of power conferences, Cougar fans are left to question their fate in the grand scheme of realignment.

Is the Big 12 going to expand? Who are they going to invite if they expand? When is all of this going to happen? If we get an invite can we still sell Cougartails at the football games?

Well I'm here to tell you to throw everything you've heard outside the window because the Cougars have bigger fish to fry than the Big 12.

THAT'S RIGHT, BYU IS GETTING AN INVITE FROM THE SEC

I know what you're thinking. How is it possible that the biggest, baddest football conference in all the land would want to add a conference member that is clearly not in the south or even remotely east? Conventional wisdom tells us that for a conference to expand they would need to add a school the makes sense monetarily or at the very least geographically. So what would the SEC want to add BYU? We'll we have a few sources...

  • It all starts with the SEC's most powerful school, Alabama, and their supreme leader, Nick Saban. He is the most powerful man in the South and his right hand man at the moment is none other than Lane Kiffin, the offensive coordinator of the Crimson Tide. Speaking of Lane Kiffin, does anyone remember what school Lane was coaching at before he was in Tuscaloosa? That's right, he was at USC. And who replaced Lane Kiffin at USC when he was fired? Steve Sarkisian. And WHERE did Steve play college football? Oh just some school called BYU. When Nick Saban wins the Republican nomination after a contested convention, Lane Kiffin is going to be the head coach at Bama and who will be his OC? STEVE SARKISIAN. Once in a position of power the former Cougar quarterback will be able to use his leverage to help BYU join the mighty SEC.
  • One of the most exciting moves of the offseason was the return of BYU's favorite Heisman trophy winner Ty Detmer. Ever since his retirement from the NFL, Ty had been relaxing in his Texas home, coaching football and hunting. OR WAS HE? Hear me out on this one. Ty finished his last NFL season in 2005. Exactly seven years later in 2012 Texas A&M magically makes the move from the Big 12 to the SEC. So was Ty really just sitting by, getting things ready.
  • It's common knowledge that the LDS Church (with which BYU is affiliated) has a rich history in the great state of Missouri. The Mormon church was initially established in New York but eventually the Saints made their way to the Midwest and settle for a brief time in Missouri. Sure, there was that time when the governor of Missouri said that Mormons must be "exterminated or driven from the state" but that executive order was done away with waayyyyy back in 1975. Now that Missouri and BYU are on great terms (they played each other in football last year!) there is no doubt that the SEC will invite BYU to the conference.
  • I also have it on good authority that the teams in the SEC are anxious to make trip to Provo. Just look at Mississippi State. Usually when BYU schedules a series with a Power Five team, the Cougars usually have to hit the road in the first game of the series but this go around Mississippi State insisted that they come to Provo first. Why exactly do these teams want to play in Provo? Well as we all know, people in the south are constantly looking for ways to make their diets increasingly unhealthy (see Waffle House) and ever since the people of Utah invented the drive-thru soda bar (Sodalicious, Swig, Dave's Diabetes Hut) southerners have been ripe with jealousy. Eating fried chicken three square meals isn't enough for the good people of Oxford, Mississppi. If there is a place that lets them drink a soda with added sugary concentrates along with a sugar cookies then by golly their gonna get it.
But all of our sources don't only point to BYU going to the SEC. But wait. If BYU isn't going to the all-might SEC, where will they land?

THERE IS A SMALL CHANCE THE AFC WEST WILL HAVE A SPOT AND BYU IS AT THE TOP OF THEIR LIST

You don't have to believe this one but I have it on good authority from a close family friend that the AFC West is looking to add another team. Now why exactly would this NFL division need a new team? Well remember last year when all of those NFL teams were looking to move their franchise to Los Angeles? The Rams got approval from the NFL to make the move but the Chargers and Raiders were left out to dry. According to my sources, both teams are still willing to do just about anything to play in LA, including a merger of the two franchises into one AFC West team. Does that sound ridiculous? Well I would have you remember that that two teams actually worked together to on a JOINT STADIUM PROPOSAL in Los Angeles. Instead of forcing the NFL to choose between two teams to fill another spot in LA, the league could simply allow the two teams to merge.

The only issue is that there would be a void in the AFC West division, with only the Broncos, Chiefs (coached by BYU graduate Andy Reid) and the Charaiders (Chargers + Raiders...the name still needs some work). Since all of the other NFL teams have been claimed by other divisions the NFL has reportedly started looking at other creative solutions. The father of my sister's ex-boyfriend said that because BYU is an independent they would be a natural fit because they wouldn't need to sever ties with any major conference.

I know what you're thinking. What about Sunday play? Aren't NFL games on the Sabbath? As it would have it, the NFL has added a Thursday night game along with Monday Night Football to offer more non-Sunday games. So why is the NFL slowly adding these weekday games to the schedule? It obvious to me that they're setting up an opportunity for BYU to come aboard.

This might sounds crazy, but there might be an even bigger opportunity than the NFL for BYU...

DON'T QUOTE ME ON THIS BUT THERE ARE RUMORS THAT BYU COULD REPLACE A RELEGATED TEAM IN THE ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. They play soccer in the EPL.

This is true but did you know that Johnny Linehan played rugby before he was on the football team? Or how about hoopster Corbin Kaufusi who is going to play football in addition to basketball this year?

IF THESE GUYS CAN PLAY BOTH SPORTS then I'm willing to wager that BYU can make the switch to football.

I should also mention that the EPL made a visit to all of BYU's impressive facilities in England. In addition to two state of the art structures (Mormon temples) in Preston and London there is an expansive training facility (missionary training center) that helps mold new recruits.

If soccer doesn't really appeal to BYU, then there are definitely some other global opportunities out there because...

A BOOSTER WITH A LOT OF CONNECTIONS SAID THAT AN INVITE FROM THE UNITED NATIONS IS BASICALLY A DONE DEAL

I heard on a local radio show last week that Angola's representative on the UN security council is a huge fan of BYUtv sketch comedy program Studio C, specifically "those gloriously funny bits with the dunce who keeps of getting hit in the face with a ball. It makes me giggle every time!"

Now the booster didn't say exactly how the Angolan representative plans to add BYU as a member nation (I'v never actually met the booster because he's a friend of a friend) but I trust him with my life and if he says BYU is going to get an invite, I trust him (and BYU's "piece-of-work" lawyers) implicitly.

There is one more rumor that has been floating around and I'm going to tell you right now it's LEGIT because if you look at the facts, it makes perfect sense.

THEY RECENTLY LOST ONE OF THEIR CONFERENCE MEMBERS, SO WE SHOULDN'T COUNT OUT THE SOLAR SYSTEM AS A LANDING SPOT FOR BYU

Ever since Pluto left the Solar System because of some alleged violations, the conference has never been the same. A lot of people see the Solar System as a super unstable conference because everything revolves around the big burnt orange team in the middle but the NCAA isn't going to allow them a conference championship game until they get back up to 10 teams. We shouldn't count out the influence of the other teams in the conference besides the sun. Mercury has been on fire as of late and Saturn has a ton of rings (even if they are billions of years old). There isn't another team that has the universal reach of BYU so I would say that it's pretty much a done deal.

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It's pretty obvious that BYU will have plenty of invites to major conferences if the Big 12 will decide to pass. Of all these choices, which offer do you think that BYU should accept?