Good heavens this has been an eventful week.
And by eventful I mean awful.
It all started out when the people of Indiana decided to prolong what is surely the most elaborate and depressing practical joke in human history by electing Donald Trump as the winner of their GOP primary.
Not only does this mean that I have to add Indiana to places that I'm genuinely concerned about, but more importantly, the decision in the Hoosier State all but ensured that Donald Trump would be the Republican nominee for the general election in November.
That's right. When people go into the election booth on Tuesday, November 8th they will have the option to select a man who once tweeted dating advice for that one guy in Twilight.
Things continued to roll downhill when the Big 12 athletic directors and coaches met in Phoenix to discuss and review research regarding the possibility of conference expansion, a topic that has created a logjam in BYU twitter feeds.
On the bright side, there was significant research presented saying expanding the conference would lead to increased playoff inclusion for the Big 12. Furthermore many national pundits agreed that BYU was the most obvious choice. One of the only people who didn't agree was Clay Travis, a spineless carnival barker who squeals with delight anytime his name is mentioned on Twitter.
Why is this such a bad thing? Even though the research definitely leaned towards possible expansion, no decision was made and ESPN writer Adam Rittenberg indicated that nothing would be decided even after the Big 12 meetings in late May.
This means well have weeks, if not months, more of unsubstantiated rumors of conference expansion spewing from relatives and bloggers from West Virginia.
In the space of 48 hours, we were faced with the very sad realization that two of the worst things to plague our social media feeds will live to see another day. Many days in fact. If you haven't already done so you might want to hit up your doctor for an increased dosage of Zoloft because it's about to get really depressing.
So which is worse? Donald Trump or Big 12 Expansion rumors?
The only logical way to do this is to list out a series of points and counterpoints that will surely decide which is the lesser of two evils. I would put it up to a vote but seeing how terribly democracy has failed us, we're going to avoid that altogether.
POINT: Donald is the worst because he is a xenophobe who wants to build a wall between the US and Mexico. He obviously doesn't understand the hilarious irony of how he outsourced his ideas on homeland security to a Chinese emperor who has been dead for 2,000 years.
COUNTERPOINT: Multiple Big 12 rumors suggest schools in Texas and Oklahoma would like to build a metaphorical wall on their western borders preventing BYU from joining the conference. Some bloggers even suggest that Trump feels the same way about Muslims that Big 12 feels about Mormons (because they avoid playing games on Sundays).
POINT: Big 12 expansion rumors are the worst because everyone on the internet comes out of the woodwork with a "pretty reliable source that is close to the situation". In all reality the phrase "pretty reliable" means "I don't know if this person really exists" and "close to the situation" means "they once saw LaVell Edwards knock over a tower of cereal boxes at a grocery store."
COUNTERPOINT: Donald Trump's sources aren't that much better because according to Politifact.com, 76% of what Donald Trump says is either "mostly false, false or pants on fire." Only 2% of his statements are capital T true with the rest of the 22% being mostly true or half true. Hell, even Greg Swaim is telling the truth more than Donald Trump.
POINT: If the Big 12 doesn't expand this off-season or it doesn't include BYU in its next round of expansion, there is a chance the conference realignment rumors relating to BYU could continue to fly for years to come.
COUNTERPOINT: There is a a very real chance Donald Trump will be around for the next four years. I can't believe I actually wrote that sentence. Someone please come punch me in the face.
POINT: Donald Trump loves to say that he is a "winner" and at one point he even claimed that "If I'm president we'll win so much, you'll get bored with winning." Exactly how is he going to win? He hasn't really explained that yet. What is he going to win? If you ask him he'll probably just say "EVERYTHING. I AM GOING TO WIN EVERYTHING". Now that I think about it, Donald Trump's speeches sound a lot like DJ Khaled's "All I Do Is Win" with lots of talk of "winning no matter what" but very little description of what or how.
So is Donald Trump getting his campaign advice from dated hip-hop tracks? If so, I would be willing to bet $10,000 that he quotes MIMS "This Is Why I'm Hot" during a debate with Hillary Clinton saying "I'm hot cuz I'm fly, you ain't cuz you not." It sounds absurd, but then anything Donald says is exactly that.
COUNTERPOINT: In the same way Donald says he will win, there are a good number of Big 12 expansion rumors that contain the verbiage "it's a done deal." Details as to when the deal is happening are always missing, with a few saying something banal like "in due time."
At least with these types of expansion rumors, people will make of some sort of objective that needs to be achieved before the deal can be announced. They will say things like "the Big 12 just needs to vet some other candidates" or "once they figure out the logistics they will announce it." Someone once told me a deal was "99% done but they needed to figure out the softball schedules." I really wanted to believe it but thank goodness I had, you know, common sense.
POINT: "BYU's lawyers are a piece of work" is a quote that appeared out of thin air thanks to conference expansion rumors and it's the gosh dang worst. If you go on a certain BYU message board you can find about 57 different stories that trace back to the origin story, all of them equally untrue. It's like a really terrible game of telephone where some bozo decides to change the message from "John eats pizza" to "Don't steal tequila from your uncle's basement because koalas eat leaves". No one knows where the hell the new message but the person who made it up thought they were SO FUNNY.
COUNTERPOINT: When you think about it, "piece of work" is a very mild insult compared to the mudslinging of Donald Trump. I would go into great detail about all of the names he has called each candidate or the level of misogyny that he has stooped to, but I'll let you check this out on your own in this lovely collection of insults the NY Times collected. I think my personal favorite was his was how the Wall Street Journal was "bad at math, nobody cares what they say in their editorials anymore."
POINT: Donald Trump judges people on how they look.
COUNTERPOINT: Big 12 expansion rumors judge BYU on the size of their football stadium.
POINT: No one actually knows where most of the Big 12 expansion rumors come from.
COUNTERPOINT: Other than people on Facebook (which is barely saying something) no one actually knows someone who is voting for Trump.
POINT: Contrary to his personal opinion, Donald Trump does not have "the best words." The idea of him giving a State of the Union address or speaking to the United States after a national tragedy is terrifying.
COUNTERPOINT: Most Big 12 expansion rumors are written like gossip notes between teenage girls. "WELL I HEARD FROM MY DAD WHO SERVED HIS MISSION WITH A GIRL WHO DATED GORDON GEE'S GRANDDAUGHTER THAT HE WAS GOING TO CONVINCE THE BIG 12 TO INCLUDE BYU. DID YOU KNOW THAT GORDON GEE IS MORMON?????!!!?"
IN SUMMARY, THE WORST THING IS...
Donald Trump. You didn't have to read this 1,500 word piece to figure that out but I'm glad you did. As annoying and frivolous as expansion rumors are, they don't come close to the buffoon with a terrible hair piece.
Here's to the unrealistic hope that we won't have to discuss either of these two subjects in 2017.