Everything you need to know about: Arizona Football

BYU football is less than 48 hours away, and yet there are many of you out there that know next to nothing about the University of Arizona or their football team. Well you’ve come to the right place, because we’ve done all the important research on everything you need to know about the Arizona Wildcats, as well as a lot of stuff that you probably should forget.

HEAD COACH: Kevin Sumlin

What a ride it has been for Coach Sumlin. After starting out as a graduate assistant at Washington State, Kevin made the conscious decision that if he wanted to make it to the very top of the college coaching world, he would need to reach descend to the very depths of human existence. That of course would be life in Laramie, Wyoming. Our brave friend was the wide receivers coach for the Cowboys for not one, but TWO FULL SEASONS. I once stopped at the Taco Bell in Laramie for 17 minutes and spent the next four years trying to wash it off in the shower. I can’t imagine what two full years would do to a man. Either way, it’s clear that Kevin endured his tribulations well as he was able to land a job in the vaunted SEC West. It was there he did his best Bronco Mendehall impersonation (impressive 11-2 season followed by a bunch of 8-5 seasons) before getting fired. His teams were known for their high powered offense and defense that...well they sure did try sometimes.

Outside of coaching, Kevin enjoys wearing sunglasses and embracing the local performing arts scene. Here we have a tweet from 2010 where Sumlin expounded in great eloquence the concert of one Shawn Carter (aka Jay-Z). Couldn’t have said it better myself.

OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR: Noel Mazzone

I thought that all people with the name Noel were born on Christmas (or Christmas Eve), but here we have Noel Mazzone who was born on March 21st. Bold move, Mazzone Family. The last time BYU faced off against Noel was in the 2015 when BYU lost a close one to UCLA in the Rose Bowl. From what I remember, the Bruins had a boatload of talent on that team but they struggled to put the ball in the end zone. This appeared to be the same issue at Texas A&M, and we can only hope that Noel can take his “let’s take these good players and make them appear to be worse than they are” magic and apply it to Khalil Tate.

Also, the fact that he posted a horizontal photo like this tells you everything you need to know about the guy.

DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR: Marcel Yates

I could have sworn that Arizona played all of last season without a defensive coordinator and instead opted to have players “guide themselves through the power of crystals and yoga healing”, but it looks like Marcel Yates has been collecting a paycheck from Arizona as the team’s defensive coordinator for the last three years. The more you know!

The best part of his bio is when it reviews his performance in 2017 by simply saying that he “coached one of the youngest defenses in the Pac-12”. I wonder why they don’t say anything else...

BEST OFFENSIVE PLAYER:

Khalil Tate AKA Desert Vick. He haunts my dreams.

BEST DEFENSIVE PLAYER:

The referee who is positioned in the middle of the field who sometimes bumps into wide receivers on their crossing routes.

FUN FACT:

I just read an article that said Arizona “lost Jhevon Hill and Tony Wallace to academics late in the summer”, which makes it sound like both of these young men were stricken with the disease known as academics and died as a result. They’re not the first and I’m sure they won’t be the last Arizona Wildcats who will meet the tragic fate of academics.

NOTABLE ALUMNI

• Kourtney Kardashian - Famous for being...famous
• Gilbert Arenas - Famous for pulling a gun on his own teammate
• Luke Walton - Famous for getting insulted by Lavar Ball
• Rob Gronkowski - Probably was stricken with academics while in Tucson

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UNIFORMS

They’re fine. Like a lot of college football teams they’ve opted for something a little more flashy every couple of years, which means that after three seasons they start to look dated. If I was in charge, I would stick with a more traditional look with the clean lines and limited color options as seen in this concept.

STUDENT LIFE

In order to beat the heat in Tucson, the University of Arizona has instructed their students on the proper art of “passing out into a bathtub”. It’s saved 37 lives this last year alone.

MASCOT

Well this is something. Arizona has two mascots named Wilbur and Wilma. This seems very appropriate considering the fact that they’re both 87 years old and are happy to be in Arizona where it doesn’t snow and the cold doesn’t both Wilbur’s hip replacement. Wilma likes to knit during sporting event while Wilbur enjoys listening to the radio broadcast while in the stadium. They’re a swell couple.

WHO WOULD WIN IN FIGHT BETWEEN COSMO AND WILBUR (AND WILMA)?

Even though there are two Wildcat mascots, Comso would dance circles around these geriatrics before beating them to a pulp.

WOULD I ALLOW MY FUTURE CHILD TO ATTEND THE UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA?

Yes, but only on the condition that I don’t have to drop them off at school, or come visit for parents weekend, or attend their graduation. You’re on your own, future child.

BYU VS ARIZONA: MOMENTS IN SPORTS HISTORY

While I am tempted to dedicate this section to one Jake “The Make” Oldroyd, I have to defer to the GOAT and one of the first of his many transcendent performances. This gets overlooked so let me make it clear that Jimmer has a majority stake of ownership in the University of Arizona. Jimmer Fredette is to Arizona as Taysom Hill is to Texas.

FINAL SCORE PREDICTION:

Arizona 31, BYU 17