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Everything you need to know about: Cal football

Tom Holmoe used to coach there!

Washington v California Photo by Jonathan Ferrey/Getty Images

Our beloved BYU Cougars are set to face off against the Golden Bears of Cal later this evening yet most of you know next to nothing about the University of California, Berkeley or their football team. Well you’ve come to the right place, because we’ve done all the important research on everything you need to know about the Golden Bears, as well as a lot of stuff that you probably should forget.

HEAD COACH: Justin Wilcox

When Cal decided to part ways with Sonny Dykes (a man of magical offense and optional defense) the athletic department made the conscious decision to place “looks like Coach Taylor from Friday Nigh Lights” to the very top of the hiring criteria. After years of Sonny, a man who very clearly does not look like the incredibly handsome Eric Taylor, they wanted an upgrade in more ways than one.

Naturally Justin Wilcox fit the bill. Sure he was rising up the coaching ranks thanks to his dominant defense but what really set him apart was his square jaw and full head of hair.

We should also mention that Wilcox was probably the cheap option, something the athletic department welcomed after they spend their entire life savings on renovating a football stadium that reaches 40% capacity on game days.

OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR: Beau Baldwin

While Justin Wilcox looks like a head coach of a football team, Beau Baldwin has a goatee. It’s no surprise that he doesn’t take much pride in his appearance as he’s spent eight years as the head coach at Eastern Washington. I don’t know if you know this but Eastern Washington (located on the side of the state that’s basically Idaho) plays their football on a red field. It’s as if they saw Boise State’s blue mess and thought, “hmmm yeah this is bad but how can we make it worse?” Well they succeeded! It looks terrible! And so does Beau Baldwin in his 90s cool guy facial hair.

DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR: Tim DeRuyter

Let’s pour one out for our guy Timmy. He was shooting up the coaching ranks with stops at Navy, Nevada, Air Force and Texas A&M before taking the head coaching gig at Fresno State. It was the perfect gig. All he had to do was live in Central California (a real place) and have a football team that was somewhat good.

It started off pretty good with a 9-4 season, followed by an even better 11-2 season where they beat Boise State and the mighty Rutgers Scarlet Knights! He might have been able to bolt to another gig but he stayed to see what else could come his way. Huge mistake on his part because things don’t get better in Fresno, California, my friends. They get worse.

Three years later he was fired, and now he’s a defensive coordinator in a town where he can probably afford a really nice half-bedroom apartment.

BEST OFFENSIVE PLAYER:

The 15-yard pass interference penalty. Who needs to actually catch the football when you can just rely on the Pac-12 refs to move you down the field.

BEST DEFENSIVE PLAYER:

Rusty Becker. I actually have no idea if Rusty is any good. I just picked him because it sounds like something cowboys say in place of any venereal disease. “It sounds like Hank had a little too much fun in Mexico. Came back with the ole Rusty Becker.”

FUN FACT:

I would assume that most Cal students would be open to a vegan diet but apparently the guerrilla tactics of VEGANS FOR CAL (in all caps because they’re never not yelling) really backfired. Read this harrowing recounting from one student:

Remember that one protest where vegans played a recording of animals getting killed very, very loudly? Rather than everyone instantly becoming vegan — what protesters were presumably going for — everyone just kind of got used to it. They had class to get to. No time to be socially conscious.

NOTABLE ALUMNI

  • Chris Pine - Not as strong as Chris Hemsworth, less funny that Chris Pratt
  • Alex Morgan - Not as good as Mia Hamm
  • Tom Anderson - Not as successful as Mark Zuckerberg
  • Aaron Rodgers - Not as many Super Bowls as Tom Brady
  • John Cho - Went to White Castle with Kumar

***

UNIFORMS

These uniforms are fine. When UnderArmor took over as the uniform supplier for the Bears they were gifted a great color scheme and a highly underrated script logo. They could have done a lot worse but for some reason the designers at UA woke up one day and thought, “yeah these are fine BUT WHAT IF WE ADD STRIPES!” Apparently they had the same idea for Utah because the stripe pattern looks pretty similar.

STUDENT LIFE

Students were initially confused by this strange man on the quad but later in the day they were informed that it was actually behavioral economics professor Kenneth Forsenbath expressing his latest theory (“The bastardization of upward mobility”) through the performative arts. He’s very high regarded on RateMyProfessor.com.

MASCOT

Cal’s mascot is named Oski. I’m not going to show you any photos of him because 1) he’s terrifying and 2) this is a family website. It’s hard to tell that he’s actually a bear because they dress him up in a Mr. Rogers sweater and his face is a different color than the rest of his head. That’s not even the worst part. Oski has a giant permanent smile that screams stranger danger. If you have small children, do not allow them within 100 yards of Oski.

WHO WOULD WIN IN FIGHT BETWEEN COSMO AND OSKI?

Oski has been forced to eat a diet consisting of mineral water and berries that haven’t been picked but rather have finished their “life on the vine” and have fallen to the ground. That being true, Cosmo would win this fight with his paws tied behind his back.

WOULD I ALLOW MY FUTURE CHILD TO ATTEND UC BERKELEY?

The only reason why I would allow my son or daughter to attend school there would be in hopes that they turn our like the greatest (fictional) graduate in the history of Cal, Sanford Cohen of The OC.

BYU VS CAL: MOMENTS IN SPORTS HISTORY

There is no literally nothing that can deny the fact that Christian Stewart, a walk-on quarterback who is probably crunching numbers for KPMG right now, was victorious over now NFL Pro-Bowler Jared Goff. Be sure to stay for the end where you get to see Bronco Mendenhall celebrate like he just got released from being the 11-year-old scout master.

FINAL SCORE PREDICTION

BYU 21 - CAL 13