Countdown to Kickoff (86): What food items should be sold at BYU football games?

The football season might seem in the distance but here at Vanquish the Foe we’re counting down the days until the first game against the Utes. To help ease out way unto the season we’re going to spend every day exploring a specific question pertaining to BYU Football. Some of the questions will focus on important topics (offensive play calling) and others will explore the subjects of a rather...inconsequential nature. Today we talk about food, which is very important.

You might think that just because it’s summer time and no real things of football consequence are happening that we here at Vanquish the Foe would resort to somewhat unimportant topics to fill the void that is the month of June.

WELL GUESS WHAT. Today you are right.

We’ve already spent a good portion of the Countdown to Kickoff on more serious topics like the rise of Chaz Ah You and the areas where Zach Wilson can improve. There were other pieces on the running backs and how Gunner Romney might fare. We even dedicated individual pieces on the kicking and punting specialists! EAT YOUR HEART OUT, JONNY LINEHAN.

So with all of that serious coverage out of the way, we can focus on something near and dear to my heart. Stadium food. Don’t get me wrong, when it comes to things that I can digest there is no discrimination. I enjoy all of it. Maybe a little too much. My wife is still trying to fully comprehend my ability to eat food at such a high volume and still enjoy the experience.

At any rate, stadium food is one of the best kinds of food because you get to eat it while watching a football game. If football makes you happy and food has the same effect then putting them together makes perfect sense. Even if football makes you sad then you pair it with food, which should make you happy, offsetting the sadness of football. If both football and food make you sad then come back to Vanquish the Foe on July 27th when we talk about finding meaning in life outside of things that start with the letter F.

For the rest of us, let’s discuss the food items that should be sold at BYU football games that are not currently available. As is stands the food situation at LaVell Edwards Stadium has improved DRASTICALLY since I was attending games as a student. In the ancient times of 2009, a number of years ago that now needs double digits, the only food options were your standard hot dog, hamburger and popcorn. There might have been a corndog or even an ice cream thing. Why are all of the details so fuzzy? Because all of it was bad and I forced it out of my memory forever.

There are a lot of new food options available that have really jazzed up the place. There are crepes, fancy donuts, donuts with meats in the middle, churros, sushi burritos and waffles. A lot of these are fine food things but not all of them are optimized for the football experience. The last time I went to a game someone on my row bought a dish that required the use their legs as a table and their hands for the use of forks and knives. This might be the worst idea in the history of sporting events. What happens if someone needs to squeeze past you? What if a good play happens and you want to RISE AND SHOUT? None of this can happy if you’re working your way through a plate of food.

If my world where I control things, I get rid of all foods that require plates...at least at football stadiums. The best kinds of foods are, like the Taco Bell crunchwrap supreme, good to go. The old school hotdog is perfect. You can eat the meats but then quickly turn into fist pumping as needed. If we look at the list of new things that were introduced last year churros are perfect. Crepes and waffles can get the heck out of my football stadium. If you’re up in the suites then fine, you have plenty of space to eat your breakfast foods on a proper table.

Another thing that I think is important with stadium food is speed. If you want to buy a food thing at the game it shouldn’t take longer than thirty seconds for them to prepare said food. Anything longer leads to painfully long lines and missed action.

Here are a few things that I think that should be sold at football games...

• Rolled tacos - You eat them with your hands and they’re tacos. It’s perfect.
• Breadsticks - It’s basically a cougartail without the diabetes.
• Helmet nachos / tater tots - Baseball teams have perfected this.
• The entire Costco food court - Yes, that would be heaven.
• Pizza Bagels / Pizza Rolls - Specifically for Topher Mitchell, the #1 BYU football fan.
• Celery Sticks - Healthy options are good too.
• Bacon-Wrapped Drumsticks - The state fair shouldn’t be the only place where a food thing can be allowed to kill you.

Those are my brilliant ideas. What do you think?