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Countdown to Kickoff (30): Trophy suggestions for BYU’s Offensive Line

“Let’s hear it for the (large) boys”

Wisconsin v BYU

Over the weekend BYU’s new offensive line coach Eric Mateos posed a question to Cougar faithful, asking them a very serious question relating to the celebration of our best offensive lineman.

As we all know, college football has extended its lead in the category of fun by embracing weird trophies. It all started with Miami’s turnover chain and has evolved into many different iterations that celebrate everything from touchdowns to sacks. Since we here at Vanquish the Foe are all about maximum fun having, we full embrace the idea of the BYU offensive line getting a specific trophy that will honor their greatness.

So what should this trophy be / look like? Here are a few free ideas for our friend Coach Mateos...

  • The Bodyguard Getup- Offensive linemen have a special duty to protect the most venerable person on the field, that being the quarterback. In essence they act as bodyguards, men who put their lives on the line and sacrifice their bodies for the well-being of someone else. For the best performing lineman each week, the winner of The Bodyguard Award will get a custom black t-shirt, black sunglasses and ear piece to wear the rest of the week after practice and during media sessions. People already recognize these guys as protectors but the added bodyguard swag will only solidly their role.
  • The Business Man Briefcase - For the offensive lineman who is “all business” in the latest game, we’ll award him with the accessory that solidifies his standing as a man of means: a briefcase. When all of the other college kids are running off to class with their cute backpacks and shoulder bags, our best offensive lineman will be a man apart with his patent leather briefcase. What’s in the briefcase? It doesn’t matter because the lineman isn’t just a business man, he’s a business...man. So let him handle his business. Damn.
  • The Sauce Bottle - The winner of the weekly lineman award isn’t someone who gets lost in the sauce because he’s the one who applies it by bringing the heat. That being the case, we suggest that the trophy be a bottle of hot sauce of the player’s choosing. Does he love himself some Tapatio? Giddy up. How about Chalula? Youbechya. Maybe he’s more of a cajun man and enjoys some Tabasco? Yessir.
  • “Get em Gassed” T-Shirt - Pancakes and highlight blocks are cool but you know what’s even cooler? Stepping up to the line of scrimmage to see that the opposing defensive linemen are completely gassed, clearly out of breath with their hands on their hips. We see this quite a bit with teams that aren’t used to playing high above sea level, but even then it’s a fun sight to see. So whenever the offensive line is dominating in such a way that the opposing team is visibly tired, the entire offensive line gets a t-shirt with an image of the opposing team looking dead tired. Just imagine Tristen Hoge showing up to a press conference wearing a t-shirt of a bunch of USC defensive lineman looking dead tired.
  • The Undertaker Hat - Every so often an offensive lineman thoroughly dominates his opponent in such a way that he takes the poor sap to meet his maker. I’m not talking about actual murder and death, but almost. We propose that the offensive lineman that puts the most people to death in the week prior would get to wear an Undertaker hat, similar to the one worn but the former WWE Superstar. He’ll definitely stand out but it’s probably a good idea that people know who has been the source of all this carnage.
  • The Apple Sack - There really is no explanation for this award beyond the fact that the winner would be able to yell “HOW DO LIKE THEM APPLES” whenever he walks into a room. Or he could go the Kawhi route and just say “apple time, apple time”. Either way, it’s clear that apples are associated with greatness and we should recognize our offensive lineman accordingly.

So there you have it, some of the best trophy ideas you have ever seen. Your move Coach Mateos.