Raise your hand and be honest here: if in the past two weeks you thought to yourself, "I wonder when BYU will upgrade its football facilities," you probably arrived at this question because at some point in the last year or so, you saw a video tour of Oregon's football building and were filled with jealous rage. I know I've shouted the following multiple times:
"HOW CAN BYU COMPETE WITH SCHOOLS THAT HAVE A LOCKER ROOM SHAPED LIKE A DUCK'S BEAK? I MEAN COME ON!"
But I've recently discovered BYU doesn't need a wondrous football facility or a billion dollar stadium renovation to attract the finest recruits in all the land. What the Cougars need is a rapper.
Just look at Jim Harbaugh. Last month he tweeted this picture of himself sporting some G Eazy merch. You better believe that every Michigan recruit thought to himself, "UCLA has a nice campus and everything BUT COACH JIM IS TIGHT WITH G EAZY?!? SIGN ME UP."
So with other schools like Michigan using high profile rappers to generate interest, who should BYU get to be a shill for the football program? LET'S DISCUSS.
Hometown: Compton, CA
Relevant Lyric: "I know you hate me just as much as you hate yourself / Jealous of my wisdom and cards I dealt." (See, he's already great at trolling Ute fans.)
There is no doubt in my mind that Kendrick is the ideal candidate for this position. There is no question that the guy has mass appeal with his his new album "To Pimp A Butterfly" at the top of every sales chart. And let's not forget that Lamar already has a (somewhat) strong tie to BYU. Back in 2014 Kendrick performed a mash-up of M.A.A.D City the Grammy Awards with rock band Imagine Dragons, whose lead singer Dan Reynolds just so happened to attend BYU. Just imagine this. The next time a BYU football game is broadcast on TV instead of hearing some another Imagine Dragons song as the soundtrack to BYU's commercial, we would hear King Kunta or The Blacker the Berry. Sign me up!
Hometown: Long Island, NY
Relevant Lyric: "I'm not a singer, I just rap pretty. So now my fan base is full of Megan's and Ashley's." (A large portion of BYU's female population has the name of Megan or Ashley. Perfect.)
To throw some diversity in the mix I'll submit the name of one Steven Markowitz, a Jewish kid from New York that goes by the stage name of Hoodie Allen. He doesn't exactly scream "street cred" but he is pretty well connected, having collaborated with international man of music Ed Sheerhan. Hoodie could provide some much needed religious diversity at BYU along with the white boy swagger which will be in short supply until T.J. Haws gets home from his mission.
Hometown: NYC, NY
Relevant Lyric: "Prosper said let's ride to the sky, call it catastrophic / We don't ever die, we just multiply." (Multiplying has never been an issue for BYU students. We all know at least 10 people who had kids while they were still students at the Y.)
The dude has a $ in his name. No further questions.
Hometown: Detroit, MI
Relevant Lyric: "Executive deals online, limited amount of time / Chasin' these dollar signs and you ain't on your grind." (OH COOL. Big Sean already knows about BYU's quest for P5 $$.)
First of all, it's clear that Big Sean loves football. He does openly support the Michigan basketball program but the internet has yet to revel him and Jim Harbaugh kicking back eating at Zingerman's Deli so I think it's safe to say he's a football free agent. Big Sean would be a huge get for BYU in the Midwest, where they don't exactly have the strongest of recruiting ties. And for all of those concerned, Big Sean and Ariana Grande just broke up so there is no need to worry about her showing up and butchering the national anthem at a football game. Instead we'll hear the highly edited version of "IDFWY" blasting on 3rd downs.
Hometown: Stone Mountain, GA
Relevant Lyric: "'You're my favorite rapper now!' Yeah, dude, I better be." (People say this same this about Taysom Hill as a quarterback after seeing him decimate Texas annually.)
Donald Glover, aka Childish Gambino, has definitely been spitting some hot fire since he came onto the scene in 2011. Most BYU fans will remember Donald from his days as former quarterback Troy Barnes on the NBC cult classic Community.
However, it's Glover's short stint in the second season of HBO's Girls that makes him a perfect fit for BYU fans. In the show Girls, Glover plays the role of Sandy (not to be confused with the greatest father figure in all of TV, The OC's Sandy Cohen) who happens to be a conservative, the political ideology of about 99% of BYU students and graduates. For those who are not right-leaning, they will appreciate that Donald made an appearance on such a progressive show like Girls.
Most importantly, he comes from the rich recruiting ground of Georgia. BYU could always use some help there. In conclusion, Donald is really good a pretending to be a Republican and actually being from somewhere that is not Utah, two things that BYU loves.
Hometown: NYC, NY
Relevant Lyric: "'But you deal with it and you keep ballin / Pour out some liquor, play ball and we keep ballin'" (There is a chance that Puff is talking about his fallen comrade Biggie Smalls but evidence suggests that Diddy is also talking about BYU's venture into the land of football independence. That and we appreciate his dedication to the honor code by pouring out the alcohol.)
I'm not sure how many kids these days are heavily influenced by one Sean Combs, but he's still in the game. If this were 1997 Diddy would be a first round pick, no questions asked. Regardless of his ability to sway the masses, his deep abiding connection to BYU goes without question.
Back in December of 2011, Diddy quoted LDS Apostle L. Tom Perry on his twitter account. Now Elder Perry might be a Utah State graduate, but the man has the special collections section of the BYU library named after him. THE SPECIAL COLLECTIONS SECTION. I don't have to tell you what that means. But what I will tell you is it would be legit to see a vinyl copy of "Can't Hold Me Down" in that special collection.
What rappers did we miss, and for what reason? Sound off in the comments.