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PROS & CONS: The good and bad of every BYU coaching candidate

We've done some (not so serious) vetting of all the potential BYU coaching candidates and have a fine list of pros and cons for each coach.

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Kyle Whittingham

Pro: Getting a new offensive coordinator every year for the next five years will be nice because variety is the spice of life.

Con: Derik Stevenson, Kyle Gunther and Gordon Monson would actually be right about something for once.

Ken Niumatalolo

Pro: Just like BYU's previous head coaches, he doesn't show very much emotion on the sideline.

Con: If we ran Ken's prolific option offense, anyone sitting in the West stands would hear the sentence, "I know we're still putting up equally impressive offensive numbers, but..." at least three times every game.

Robert Anae

PRO: We would finally be able to find out what the defensive version of "running a draw play on 3rd and 20" looks like.

CON: There's a good chance he would try to impress a recruit with this "fire dance" and then accidentally burn down someone's living room.

Darrell Bevell

Pro: If BYU really got on a roll and won a lot of games, odds are Bevell would attract all of those bandwagon Seahawks fans. Even if they're terribly annoying, at least we could start selling out games on a regular basis.

Con: His name is really similar to that of Twitter ignoramus and likely mouth-breather Darren Rovell and that doesn't sit right with me.

Kalani Sitake

PRO: He looks great with a mustache.

CON: Vai Sikahema would want to be involved in team meetings, ride on the team bus, give halftime speeches and be on the sideline for every game. So yeah, he would want to be a co-head coach.

Andy Reid

PRO: The transition between Bronco and Andy, two coaches who love burning timeouts and mismanaging the clock, would be seamless.

CON: I'm already worried about Andy's health, and heaven knows what could happen once he moves to Provo and finds out about those Swig sugar cookies.

Lance Anderson

PRO: He could use the money he is saving on moving from Palo Alto to Provo to pay for his assistant coaches.

CON: The fact that he coaches at Stanford doesn't make up for the fact that he graduated from Idaho State.

Ty Detmer

PRO: Someone would find a way to make sure his Heisman trophy is present on the sidelines.

CON: Koy Detmer Jr. would make an unprecedented rise in the depth chart, replacing Tanner Mangum as the starter.

Norm Chow

PRO: Every press conference, Norm would forget he was addressing the media as the head coach and would constantly defer all of the tough questions to LaVell.

CON: At some point someone is going to realize that he hasn't had a successful coaching season since 2004.

Gary Crowton

PRO: The heat generated by the dumpster fire that Crowton will set ablaze will keep Utah Valley warm all winter long.

CON: After burning the entire football program to the ground, there will be nothing left for him to destroy but the Marriott Center and the Creamery on 9th.

Mitt Romney

PRO: If anyone is going to bring caffeinated beverages to LES, it's going to be the venture capitalist.

CON: In what he sees as a cost-saving measure, Mitt would reduce scholarships by 20% so the football program can be more "lean and efficient."

Steve Young

PRO: He brings years of broadcast experience, which almost always translates to immediate success. Just ask Steve Kerr.

CON: If you think you were sick of people talking about Jimmer playing basketball at a prison or Ziggy growing up in Africa, we would never hear the end of how Steve is the great-great-great grandson of Brigham Young.

Jeremy Guthrie

PRO: He would make sure the cleat / shoe game would be on point.

CON: His attempt to teach the quarterbacks how to throw a split-finger fastball won't go as planned.

Austin Collie

PRO: The offensive play sheet would simply read, "Go make that magic happen".

CON: He would go for it on every 4th-and-18.